Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
