Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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