I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
