i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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