New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
