Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
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