bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
