Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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