im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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