Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
