The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
