So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
