my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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