He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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