Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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