Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
