Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
