I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
