There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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