I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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