only if we run a train.
done.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
