i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
