shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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