Don't make out with my wife yet
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
