Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
