I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
