LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
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I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
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Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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