is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
