stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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