he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
