you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
