I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
