You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
