On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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