i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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