one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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