weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You have to summon your inner elephant
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
