I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
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you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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