Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
