if i can run in heels then i can drive
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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