She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
