im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
