I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
