gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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