true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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