Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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