On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
