you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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