I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Dick very happy bro
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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