When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
