idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
