The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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