I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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