we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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