I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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