I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
