i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
