I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
