All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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