I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
