Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
